Handling Toddler Tantrums Calmly: A Montessori Approach

One minute your child is happily playing. The next, they are on the floor, crying and kicking because their biscuit broke in half. If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. Toddler tantrums are one of the most common worries parents share with us, and one of the most normal parts of early childhood.

Tantrums are not a sign of bad parenting or a “naughty” child. They are a sign of a young brain learning to handle big feelings. With patience and a few simple habits, you can help your child through them and, over time, see far fewer of them.

Why Tantrums Happen Between 2 and 4

Tantrums are most common between about 18 months and 4 years. At this age, children:

• Feel strongly but can’t yet say it: their feelings are big, but their words are still growing.
• Want independence: they want to do things themselves, but their skills haven’t caught up.
• Are still learning self-control: the part of the brain that calms emotions keeps developing well beyond the preschool years.
• Get overwhelmed easily: hunger, tiredness, noise or a sudden change can tip them over.

Seen this way, a tantrum is not a child giving you a hard time. It is a child having a hard time.

What to Do in the Moment

• Stay calm yourself: take a slow breath before you respond. Your calm helps your child find theirs.
• Keep them safe: move them away from anything that could hurt, and stay close.
• Use few words: a child in a meltdown can’t take in explanations. A soft “I’m here” is enough.
• Don’t give in to the demand: be kind but firm. If the answer was no, it stays no.
• Offer comfort when they are ready: some children want a hug; others need a little space first.
• Talk afterwards, not during: once they are calm, talk simply about what happened.

Name the Feeling

Children calm down faster when they feel understood. Put their feeling into words: “You are angry because the biscuit broke. You wanted it whole.” You are not agreeing with the behaviour, only showing that you see the feeling behind it.

Over time, children learn these words themselves and start using them instead of crying or hitting: “I’m sad,” “I’m cross,” “I need help.” Picture books about feelings are a lovely way to practise when everyone is calm.

Prevent the Common Triggers

• Hunger: carry a simple snack when you go out.
• Tiredness: protect nap times and bedtime where you can.
• Sudden changes: give a warning before a change: “Two more slides, then we go home.”
• Too much at once: busy shops, loud functions and long outings are hard for little ones. Keep them short when possible.
• Frustration: offer just enough help when a task is too hard, rather than doing it for them.

The Montessori Approach: Choices and Routines

Montessori classrooms rely on a few simple ideas that prevent many meltdowns, and you can use them at home too.

Offer real choices. Many tantrums are about control. Give your child small choices within limits: “Do you want the red cup or the blue cup?” “Shall we walk or hop to the bathroom?” They feel heard, and you still decide what matters.

Keep a predictable rhythm. When children know what comes next, such as play, lunch, nap and then park, they feel secure and resist less. A simple picture chart of the day on the wall helps.

Let them do it themselves. A low hook for their bag, a small jug they can pour from and shoes they can put on alone reduce daily battles and build confidence. Read more in How Montessori Helps Child Development.

What Not to Do

• Don’t shout or smack: it frightens children and teaches them that big feelings lead to big reactions.
• Don’t bribe them to stop: a chocolate to end a tantrum teaches that tantrums work.
• Don’t shame them: avoid “Big boys don’t cry” or comparing them with others.
• Don’t hand over a phone to calm them: it stops the crying but skips the chance to learn to calm down. See Screen Time in Young Children.

A Note for Parents

Tantrums are a normal part of development and usually become less frequent as language and self-control grow, often by age 4 or 5. Speak to your paediatrician if tantrums are very frequent or long-lasting, if your child often hurts themselves or others, if they are still happening very often after age 5, or if you feel worried or overwhelmed. Asking for support is always a sign of good parenting.

How Saranshi Helps Children Manage Big Feelings

At Saranshi International Preschool in Medavakkam, Chennai, children learn about feelings through stories, circle time, role play and calm, predictable daily routines. Our facilitators gently name emotions, offer choices and give children time to settle, and we share what works with parents so home and school support each child the same way.